Writing term 4

It was a typical Sunday in the middle of summer,nothing to do.Mum was sitting in the sun as usual Dad was on his computer doing work and us kids,well we were doing absolutely nothing.But then we heard the ground shaking.I shouted out "it's an earthquake" and Tali shouted "Don't worry it's just dad farting". But then....we saw zombies coming down our driveway.They looked ripped apart and bloody.They were about 3 foot tall and the faces had scars and had all sorts of weapons in them.The leader of it was fat as a whale  and had to be carried by a long truck. . Oh did I not mention we were rich and had our own weapon room each.We could hear the zombies pounding on the door as hard as they could.Two minutes later ginormous and fat zombies charged at the door and busted through.We all charged.We were all geared up with guns,knives and toilet paper(why toilet paper?well to blind them).We all jumped in a car each(we had six cars of course)and sped off through the city.When we looked out the window we could see building and houses on fire.The road was hard to drive on because there were dead bodies,brains and puddles of blood that made the road slippery.There were zombies chasing us and I surprise usain bolt was chasing us(but wait how did usain bolt get over to New Zealand.any way).We drove to the science lab and tried to make an antidote.The first two hundred times we tried we failed. Mum shouted "zombies coming in". I said "we got this" so Tali,Rudy and I held them off until we killed them all.But then the boss zombie came along and guess who it was dahn dahn daaahn MR EALES.My old principle from clive school.We all screamed "he's gonna kill us all"."Shut up everyone"I said.Dad's still on the antidote so all we have to do is hold Mr Eales off."BAM" dad shouted,crushed it.

I chose this example because:

I think that it's the best writing and I like the way that I used description.

Comment from the teacher:

You certainly gave me a really clear picture of where your events started.  I think you are beginning to group information well and even put them into paragraphs. You have started to explore different kinds of punctuation too, to make your writing more interesting.  You could improve your writing by adding more description of your characters. What did the zombies look like?  Some information about feelings could be good too. How did you feel when you first saw them?

How I used the information in this comment to improve my writing:

I described the zombies like she said that I should do and I made it more interesting.

What I need to work on now to improve my writing:

For speech I need to miss lines when a new speaker speaks.